Today's Daily Prophet
by Countess Twizzler
Summary: Voldemort releases an emotionally shocking and...unwelcome statement to The Daily Prophet. Now Harry's run away and no one can find him. *Scandal, drama, and tears- good stuff!*
1. The Daily Prophet's Big News

I own none of the brilliant characters in this story, except Basil. The rest belong to J.K Rowling.  
  
The Daily Prophet  
  
By Basil Wheelit   
  
London- A shocking statement released today by Thomas Riddle, better known as The Dark Lord, Lord Voldemort, or He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, has turned the magical world upside down.   
As many of you know, HWSNBN was finally cornered and captured by thirty-three Aurors, and sixteen Ministry-of-Magic-employed house elves three days ago while he was in the restroom of a McDonalds ( a muggle resturant chain.)   
Today he delievered his last horrifying statement to the public before he is to face his certain fate of the Dementors Kiss.   
  
" I...am Harry Potter's real father."   
  
He added simply, "I never wanted him to find out this way." Then later this afternoon, in a private interview with him, (with 2 house-elves on hand of course, what do you think I'm mad?!) HWSNBN told me this story:  
"Lily and I had been sneaking around for years. We met at a mutual friends party, we had a little too much to drink and ...you know...things happen." The Evil Lord of Darkness shrugged."We continued to see each other on and off secretly through the years. When Harry was born, I was relieved that James and I looked so much alike- noone would ever have to know."   
  
The house elves began slapping each other every few minutes, while still trying to listen to the story. HWSNBN drew in a quivering breath and gathered himself before beginning again.  
  
"And then, one day, that horrible day. I went to go see Lily. In disguise of course- I used the Polyjuice Potion and became their friend Peter Pettigrew. That day I was pretending to take Lily to an antique lantern auction. James was never home anyway, but I liked to err on the side caution. I knocked on the Potter's door three-and-a-half times- our secret knock!", he squeaked out before grabbing a tissue and blowing into it with the force of an elephant trumpeting.  
  
"I knocked and went in, and she was feeding little Harry strained pears. He wildly flung his arms in front of him struggling to get away. 'Uncle Pe-er!' he yelled! He was so boisterous! I always greeted him with with a pat on his head and a chocolate frog whenever I visited, which was usually about twice a month." His faced changed from fatherly pride to eyes misty with remembrance.   
Then, eyes narrowing he continued.  
  
"But James was there THAT time. He came to greet me but I could sense his wariness as we shook hands. He was a smart man, but so naive," The dark, evil man said said bitterly.   
"Harry began shrieking and jumping around the coffee table in the next room. On it was a green, electric lantern that Lily and I had picked out once when we actually HAD gone to a lantern auction.   
  
"James and I stared each other down, unblinking, not releasing our hands from the sqeezing handshake. Lily....was....standing at the door...waiting with her coat..." HWSNBN murmered slowly, as though trying to remember everything.   
  
I waited patiently and glanced at the clock on the wall and then house elves who had stopped paying attention and were making faces at each other and pulling the other's ears. I thought about telling them to bugger off, when the former dark wizard began to speak again.  
  
"Harry was flopping around the next room, Lily was giving me meaningful, lets-get-out-of-here glances, and James wouldn't let go of my hand. Instead, he suddenly jumped on me and began boxing my face, hollering at me to keep my grabby hands off his wife. Lily couldn't pull us apart, we were so viciously tearing at each other. So she ran to the kitchen, grabbed a cauldron of cold water and dumped it on us."   
"Harry was so startled by our scene in the front foyer, he wasn't watching where he was galloping and ran right in to the corner of the wall and toppled over backwards- THAT'S how he got the scar on his forehead." The evil wizard explained.   
  
He shook his head in innocence and I nodded sympathetically, glancing nervously at the door. The house elves were now biting each others legs with their sharp teeth and slapping at each other's arms.  
HWSNBN sighed and started again.   
  
"Harry was bleeding all over the place..the water...gushed all over the floor into the next room. It caused James to slip on the wet wood floor. He fell... and broke 'is bloody neck!" He smiled triupmhantly. I heard him mutter something that sounded like very much like "wanker", before his face fell suddenly dark. "But then Lily...screamed at me, and grabbed the green lantern from the table and flung it me, but I dodged it. Unfortunately the lantern ....was still plugged....IN!" The Dark Lord began to howl at the top of his lungs in anguish.   
  
I was so startled I let out an unprofessional "AH!", and the house elves stopped, wide-eyed and mid-bite to stare at the emotional wreck sitting across from me.   
  
"The lamp fell with a flash to the wet floor, and ELECTROCUTED her! I...I didnt know what to do! So I ran. And I just wanted to tell Harry", He sniveled. "That, I'm s-s-o-o-rr-y, and, I never wanted, to hurt...y-you."   
HWSNBN openly bawled, trying to speak through his sobs. I felt my own eyes begin to tear, and wiped at them quickly, trying to regain composure. Glancing over, I saw the house elves dabbing their eyes on their shirts and whimpering, sounding like they'd just inhaled helium.   
They were still sputtering when they led him out of the room a few moments later, blowing their noses every few feet, and hicupping.  
  
Perhaps the saddest part of this story, is that Harry Potter himself, was unavailable for comment. His wife Parvati Potter was on hand, saying he'd locked himself in the attic after he'd learned who his true father was, and wouldn't come out, "Not even for tea!", she said sounding throughly harrassed.  
  
*Author's note- Now we understand why Harry need glasses- without them he runs into walls 


	2. A letter to the Weaselys

disclaimer: guess what! I DONT own these characters! JK Rowling does.  
  
An owl to the Weasley family from Parvati Potter:  
  
Ron,  
Well, I'm sure you've read that horrible article in The Prophet. Everyone else has- the neighbours have all been giving me dirty looks at the grocery. ANYWAY it's obvious he's LYING, but Harry doesnt seem to think so. Hope Angelina is well, and if so, do you think you might ask her if she has a good recipe for curried leek soup? Harry's been very distraught for days now, staying in the attic all day- he's only been eating the box of crackers he took to the attic with him! I think a little "lovin' from the oven, or stove" might cheer him up some. Also I wanted to ask you if you might want to come down and try talking to him. I'm not exactly sure what he's doing up there besides MOPING, but it sounds...a little bit LOUD (you know how I hate disorder) and I just hope he's not making a mess. I've got my mother's old broomstick and wand up there, and a lot of yarn...  
Owl me back as soon as possible.  
Love and kisses,  
Parvati  
  
*Authors note: Yes its Angelina Johnson. Ron likes older women. 


	3. Where In the World is Harry Potter?

Disclaimer: JK Rowling is God, I am just somone leaching off her work to fuel my own creative urges. She owns all of these characters.  
  
A conversation between Ron and Hermione. It's 4:30 in the afternoon:  
  
Ron: Hey. Nice classroom *Ron looks around inspecting his surroundings*  
  
Hermione: Hey! Ron! *She is very suprised, and they hug briefly* You shouldn't have Apparated here- somone might have seen you.   
  
R: I KNOW you've living as a muggle now- I'm not stupid, I was careful. Of course why you chose AMERICA- and why you wanted to be a muggle school teacher I'll never understand...  
  
H: *Hermione sighs* Why are you here- to insult my profession? I get enough of that from my parents. They want me to come home again. And frankly I-  
  
R: *Ron puts his hand up to quiet her* Just SHH for a minute ok? Have you read the Daily Prophet recently?  
  
H: Now where would I get the Dai-  
  
R: You-Know-Who's been captured Hermione.  
  
H: Oh God! *She bursts into hysterical tears- Ron looks uncomfortable* Ohmygosh I'msorelieved where'sharry   
I'msureheknows though. *She blubbers all over Ron, who hands her a tissue*  
  
R: Hermione-  
  
H: I'm so glad they got that evil- *Snizzle*  
  
R: Hermi-  
  
H: ...wretched *Sniffle*  
  
R: Ok just listen for a sec-  
  
H: putrid...diabolical..*Snarfle*  
  
R: Woman get a hold on your self!!!  
  
H: THAT SON OF A (CENSORED) KILLED HAGRID! *A fellow teacher walks by the classroom, glances through the window in the door in shock, and hurries away.*  
  
R: No he didn't... *Ron furrows his brow in confusion*...Hagrid isn't dead... he's in St. Veronica's Nursing Home for Magical Beings....  
  
H: Oh. *Hermione cocks her head to the side* Who died then?  
  
R: Would you like a list of names?  
  
H: Oh...no, sorry...What were you saying?  
  
R: *He eyes to her to make sure there wont be anymore interruptions* I was going to SAY....that You-Know-WHO says he's Harry's real father.  
  
H: *She looks at Ron, letting it sink in. She then bursts out laughing.* Well isn't that ironic! *Snorts and falls into a another fit of uncontrollable laughing*  
  
R: *Ron shakes his head angrily* It's not funny! Harry is very upset!  
  
H: *She is shaking with laughter* Y-yes it is-s. A-all this t...TIME, he's thought the loony was trying to kill him... *Her words started to drift off at the end, as laughing took over.* He was probably just trying to give him a-a-a-A HUG!!!!! *Hermione shrieks with laughter at the thought*  
  
R: This is unbelievable Hermione! You don't know what this...confession-whatever you want to call it, has done to people in our world? If perfect Lily Potter could have a child with the slimiest bastard on the planet...Well let's just say everyone is a lot less trusting of their spouses...  
  
H: *Hermione slowly regains control* How is Angelina? *She smiles brightly and begins to draw on the chalk board absently*  
  
R: Probably furious at me for coming to see you. She's a bit caught up in the hype too...  
  
H: Ohh...*Nods in understanding. She is drawing a giant squid* and, why are you here exactly?  
  
R: *He takes a deep breath* Harry is missing. No one can find him.  
  
H: Oh. Well. As long as You-Know-Who is in Azkaban what's the danger? He's probably just out clearing his mind. *With this Hermione makes weird gestures around her head with her hands, as if to furthur her arguement*  
  
R: Well first off, Harry has no wand. Parvati- *Herminone wrinkles her nose in distaste and Ron gives her a LOOK* Parvati said it's still on his bedside table. He's unarmedm and out in a world full of people who HATE - that's not even a strong enough word - his father. He's distraught, and no one knows what he might do.  
  
H: Well honestly Ron,-  
  
R: *Ron interrupts her* He's was hiding up in his attic for days. He wouldn't eat and he wouldn't let his wife in to talk to him. She asked me to try and when I got there, he was nowhere to be found...and there were heaps upon heaps of unraveled yarn. I don't which Parvati is more upset about, her missing husband or the disheveled attic he left her to clean.  
  
H: Did somone report to the Ministry that he's missing?  
  
R: Naturally. But they said where ever he went, he used an untrace-able spell.  
  
H: Why are you telling me this? What can I do?  
  
R: You can help me look for him.  
  
H: *She shakes her head in disbelief* Nah... I can't just PICK up, and leave my JOB to go find some old SCHOOL friend who I haven't spoken to and who hasn't spoken to ME, in 10 years...  
  
R: Why not? He's our FRIEND.   
  
H: Because, *She tries not to pout* he ran off with Parvati instead of me. I STILL think she bewitched him...  
  
R: Oh Hermione *He looks sympathetic*...I'll get you a cookie if you help me. Please? I know you're worried about him too.  
  
H: ...  
  
R: *Ron grins widely like a jack-o-lantern, trying be persuasive*  
  
H: *She speaks slowly* What...KIND of cookie?  
  
  
~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*  
  
  
An owl from Angelina to Parvati:  
  
Parvati,  
  
I'm feeling terrible about your ordeal - Ron told me about the attic - such a pity! Right now he's off visiting the one who lives like a muggle - Harriet? Oh well, I never liked her. I'm guessing with Harry gone missing, we won't be having our annual Tri-Family Picnic. Well I suppose Dierdre Longbottom is relived, it WAS her turn to host it.   
  
It's quite handy being related to the Minister of Magic. Percy keeps us updated on all the happenings with You-Know-Who. We might even be allowed to see the Kissing! It's all very exciting...although not for you I suppose. Keep me posted about Harry, and if there's anything at all I can do, just owl. Oh but next Friday I won't be home. Alicia Spinnet and I are going to a bachelorette party for Ginny. And the following week, I'm on holiday in France for a month...but anytime BEFORE that, really feel free to ask for anything.   
  
Yours truly,  
Angelina 


	4. I'm too lazy to drag this out much longe...

Ok i havent updated in like 12 years so i figured i might do somthing of the updating nature. the only thing is i dont have the energy to drag it out. so im just going to tell u right out what happens next:  
  
  
  
  
  
-Angelina and Alicia took Ginny out to a wizard equivilent of Chippendales for her bachelorette party. Unfortunately she ran into her finance, Dean Thomas there, and he wasn't dancing. Well he WAS, but he wasn't part of the show... After a making a huge scene involving a tray of nachos, Ginny called off the engagement and stormed out. She wasn't seen again for another 3 months...  
  
  
  
-Ron and Hermione went off to look for Harry. They search high and low, near and far, here and there...but got sidetracked in Aruba. I mean honestly, Harry could WAIT the two weeks while they eloped and went on their honeymoon...  
  
  
  
-The day after Angelina's letter arrived, Parvati dutifully put up flyers around her neighbourhood, offering a 50 knut reward in exchange for her husband's whereabouts. Then she went home, took a long luxurious bubble bath, got dressed and went out to dinner alone at a nice italian resturant. Pasquale her waiter, was very charming, and so who was she to argue when he invited her out for a drink after he got off work? Harry was probably dead anyway.  
  
The two named their love child Herb, out of respect for her late husband. ( I know, I dont understand it either...)  
  
-Ginny lived as a hermit in Denmark for awhile. She didn't talk to anyone, mostly because she didn't speak Denmarkese. She grew her own vegetables for food and wove area rugs for money. The local villagers gossiped about her and called her a witch.  
  
  
  
-Harry fell into gambling. He played poker and pool in muggle Ireland, and used make-up to cover his scar. He buzzed his hair short, so it could no longer be classified as unruly and give away his identity as it had in the past. He got some tattoos and changed his name to "Butch".  
  
One day, he was in the local convenience store stocking up on concealer, and a tabloid caught his eye. On the front page, a picture of a woman in a dark tunic with red hair running was away from a mob of people carrying torches and throwing rocks. The headline read: Witch Hunt in Denmark.  
  
He got a spine tingle and her heard a "ping" in his head, and he knew the girl was his long lost friend Ginny.  
  
"I must save her!" he cried passionately, punching the air with a clenched fist. The cashier's cigar fell out of his mouth as Harry disappeared before his eyes with a "pop". He had taken the tabloid with out paying. 


End file.
